First Week

I think I've been here for over a week....I think. It all seems to blend together. Late nights, friends, cafeteria food (albeit good cafeteria food) and already stressing out about homework. I must admit that I miss home cooked meals, my church, family, and my bed.....but God has me here for a reason. I must admit though, I'm starting to wonder what that reason is? I have no doubt that He directed me here, but I'm starting to think that it's for a different reason than I originally planned. To be quite honest, the longer I'm here the more confused I become!! I think one of the place that I miss the most is my front porch. This summer I developed the habit of sitting on my front porch for hours with just my bible. Me and God....and it was so precious. I wish I still had those hours to devote to being still. I'm definitely struggling with that at the moment. I know how to be still when I don't have much to do, but being still when I'm constantly in motion is something entirely different. I long to have those moments where I had no time restraints and could sit for hours and wait to hear from God.

I'm looking for a "new" porch....I hope I find it soon. I think that's one of the things that is uncomfortably different for me, never being alone. Not to say that I don't love people, I DO!! But, I also feel very drained sometimes by them and need that time alone to recharge. And I don't mean alone, like, by myself, but being alone in the presence of God! Being able to dance and sing at the top of my lungs and pray boisterously out loud. Alone with GOD!! But, I think I have almost set that up as an idol in my life. I think God is wanting to teach me how to be in a community of believers. How to be a people.

I keep having this prayer laid on my heart, a prayer that we would be "One people who worship YOU." I long to see a people who worship God wholeheartedly, who throw inhibitions aside, who dance before the throne!! I read the part in 2 Samuel where David danced, you know why He danced? Because he was in the presence of God and he new that to do otherwise would be disrespectful, because he was in awe of his God, because he was joyous in the presence of his King! The church has dumbed down God so much....we've lost the passion that He wants us to have. I stood in church and chapel this week, among many believers, and almost cried at the lack of commitment I saw during worship. It almost made me cry to think that at a school of 2,000 believing students, not one of us had the passion to dance before the throne of God. And I'm the worst of them all. I hear God calling for passion, I desperately want to follow but I'm not sure I have the strength, the boldness.

I want to KNOW Christ.....I think that's where the church has lost it. We follow Christ but we don't KNOW Christ. Jesus was a person, who lived and breathed, and is still hear today. I'm so grateful that He still speaks. I don't know anything that is quite so soothing. Today in speech class we talked about noise....how sometimes we can have internal noise when people are talking. Like, we're hungry, or a headache, or our own thoughts. It made me realize how much "noise" I have in my head when I'm talking with God! I want to be still but somehow it doesn't work. But there is hope for me! That's the part that I love most about God....no matter how low I am I know that there is always hope. To me the pursuit of God is the catalyst of hope!

Wow, this has been a bunch of rantings.....I think I just needed to spill some of my guts. I think one of the reasons God has brought me here is to struggle, to wrestle with the issues that I have not wanted to face. To wrestle with my own hypocrisy....to wrestle with my identity in Christ and find out what that really means. God, teach me your ways, cause me to walk in understanding!!